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I need you, Ava.

I am desperate. For you. For a touch. For a kiss. For the scrape of your hand down my stomach. For the slide of your lips across my hipbone. The sweep of your thigh against mine in the dulcet, drowning darkness. For the warm huff of your breath on my skin and the wet suck of your mouth around me and the building pressure of need reaching release...I am mad with need.

Wild with it.

I cannot have you. I have lost you, as I have lost myself.

And so I go in search. Of myself, and thus the man who might return to you, and take you in his arms.

I loathe each of the thousands of miles between us, but I cannot wish them away, for I hope at the end of my journey I shall find you. Or rather, find myself, and thus…you. Myself, and thus us.

I am taking the long way home, Ava.

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Christian,

I’m losing my mind, and I don’t know how to stop it. I shouldn’t be writing to you, but I am. I’m friendless, loveless, and lifeless. You’re out there somewhere, and still you’re all I really have. I hate my reliance and dependence on you, emotionally and otherwise, and that reliance is something I’m coming to recognize. I hate that I can’t hate you as much as I want to. I hate that I still love you so much.

I hate that there’s no clear solution to our conundrum. Even if we could forgive each other, what then?

I hate you, Christian. I really do.

But most of all, I don’t.

It’s complicated.

Complicatedly (still) yours,

Ava

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The Long Way Home by Jasinda Wilder
Rosa's rating: 4 of 5 iScream Cones

The Long Way Home is different from what I've previously read from this author. I must admit I struggled with it. I was thrown right in the middle of an emotional storm from the beginning and had trouble connecting with the couple right away. Most of the book Christian and Ava are separated, so they speak to each other through letters. Their thoughts and reminiscing gave me a peek into their history, showing me how things were before. However; the more I read, the more I got to know them and their deep connection.

Their emotional outpourings showed me how strong their love for each other was; proving an equally strong foundation for the hate that followed. I've always heard that love and hate are both sides of the same emotion, and this couple proved that to be true. I found them both to have valid reasons for their actions and reactions. It seemed the more they hurt, the more they hurt each other. It was so intense that I sometimes had to walk away and come back to the story. It took me to a place that I hoped to never visit outside of a book.

I wanted to reason with them, but we all know that when you are grieving, there is no reasoning. What is logical doesn't matter. What makes sense doesn't matter. How others feel doesn't matter. When you are in hell, you can't see past the flames that are consuming you. You become selfish and seek nothing but numbness. Choosing to remove yourself from life until you can face it again.

This story is the journey that Christian and Eva take as they try to find themselves again after suffering a tremendous loss. A loss that pulls them apart rather than forcing them to find strength in each other. Hiding from the pain caused them to hide from each other. Will they be able to find their way back to each other? Will there be anything left of what once was a beautiful love story? Will there be a home to come back to?

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